Tera Deflate:
but what if
i’m not finished
i’ve slicked the sore the body
play pain back into the flame
waits on the video tape
lost outside in the zoo in those poly-cotton suits
mom and dad and us on the fences bored
posing in the way the sun tilted
tilted not dumbed down, unfilteredi’m back i tracked more escapes
and steps back than i can count
and it’s okay you think i know the game
she likes how it looks i’m staying on my side
that nothing cracks from my face
something that will look back at her
can never get to but full force
the cat and bird effect,
midnight mock-drama
do you want to read my diary
the designs i mine bad in my body should
she figure the intent but more the source
and ooo she likes
but she couldn’t name
which is good for me, who is i, who is like god,
she said she has been godlike not for long.
maybe i’m lying, so swift
urges of, urges of the flesh, or maybe paper, turned
into a horror of replay, you wonder, what was i after
but you know what for and you cringe cuz you couldn’t help it
after all, after all you just do it to delude yourself
you’re much more agreeable when doped up, and
sneer it all starts with a relentless little anomalyi remember the way i used to hog the frame
saying nothing fancy, tasty, careless candy
while i could without splitting; i assumed i was
to get back there, finalize a warm body
imagined the resolve and attack on me
not tender or memorable or attractive
sick of the protégé, i wanted reaction
was i with it worried not to rise at the speed of my
concern desire, resigned to your will mine
for kissing death my lips kissed her i was watching
like a recorder and got a little nervous
cuz i thought she figured out what she was tasting
not too excited cuz i knew i was hallucinating
everything
still set the flame to my skin
ask why and pity my luck
sideways trying to force myself to fuck
not alone with the tv
i keep my square one, skirting the edges
surprised, smirking hurting myself besides
i’m not laboring for a cause i killed
in the bathtub before i was even eight
no way.
am I still stuck in front of the mirrorto the night the giants in my head the day
die down, relax, submit, float the surface still murmuring curses
at my steps back, subverted plans of attack
forget me don’t leave don’t ease up come on, nevermind
want me, want me, want me?
no breakdowns, no rescues
i don’t need encouragement, i need provocation
my friends encourage through love of themselves i lie
and hit the same old smothered pitch of my desire
it was like
i ate and i ate, not ever stopping, not ever sated
i mean were you
wondering what i meant and how much love i could
love, i loved you not, not love,
i am always, i was just an interjection, not the thing.
hypothetically, even in the pain i create
i can’t stop laughing.so was it kismet you believed, or magnets
by now, anyhow, i trashed our common ground.
she sings the perpetual, frustrated interlude
harsh unforgiving suicidal, that
autonomy and desperation are a fucked-up combination
alright so maybe i’m lying
i would stop if i could,
and i reflect you back to myself
through you i see myself watching you through me
being i am all the colors of the rainbow
and when i move, shit-colored