“B”

Act I They are driving aimlessly. America. LEONARD: Barking Spiders, Bearded Clams, Banana Hammocks, Beer Club for Men, Ball Movements … What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball? BARBARA: You don’t eat your bowling ball. DUTCH: Mmmm … creamy … thick … I get the munchies bowling and dancing to live sauce … BARBARA: Blondes are virtually in the dark without fluorescent bowling balls. DUTCH: Between the dark and the thyme soufflé ... mmmm … LEONARD: B.O. Express, Belch’n Buzzards, Belly Poppin’ Fat Boys, Ben Dover All Stars, Bitter Midgets … BARBARA [Yawns]: Breathable air is totally overrated. Salmon the size of bowling balls … DUTCH [Picking up on her reverie]: Lobster fingerling potato salad meticulously arranged, gypsy-style, with gulf shrimp or scallions … BARBARA [in a state of REM]: New Maximum Capacity Beancurd stuffed with shrimp paste in soya sauce ... LEONARD: Boob Watchers, Breckenridge Barking Snow Spiders, Budweiser State University, Bumping Monkeys -- BARBARA [Arms flailing]: Barbara’s Bowling Luncheon Cake! LEONARD: -- Brew City Pop Tops, Big Dog Gotta Eat, Boy Chunders, Bums with Nice Luggage … What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball wearing pantyhose? [He turns on the radio, channel surfs.] BARBARA [Waking, sleepily]: … something about the “balance hole”? RADIO: The tape, which was discovered about 10 days ago in an abandoned apartment in Jalalabad, Afghanistan, was described to reporters by the -- LEONARD [Snapping the radio off]: You know, I can’t imagine somebody like bin Laden understanding the joy of Hanukkah, or the joy of Christmas, celebrating peace and hope. This man wants to destroy any semblance of civilization for his own power and his own good. [As he burps]: After some beer, the blonde has to press the tilde (~) to pee ... BARBARA: Fact! DUTCH: I don’t get it. Curtain. Act II Fast food drive-thru. RITA [From speaker]: I am Living Water, a submissive woman. Order on-line ... release your pain … I am the message that Christ’s come again. LEONARD [Loudly, leaning out car window, into intercom mic]: Uhhh, can I get two double-decker supremes, a chicken chalupa-wrap, a, uh nacho cheeseburger, uh, the uh, and, uh - what do you guys want to drink? RITA [Speaker noise]: I am the water that quenches your thirst, I am the last, I was the first. I am one with what the tree vole drinks. BABARA [Yelling over LEONARD’s shoulder]: Hey, why does Jesus never say, “I am the water of life”? DUTCH: That’s a very good question. RITA [More speaker noise]: I am the elf in the trees. I am the mermaid of your peach. I am the water’s wash of flame’s desire. See my quest in the words you hear, in the songs of the no-wind-in-there. LEONARD [Snorts]: ... I am Big Water, Big Water is me! RITA [Encouraged]: I am the ocean, the lake, the river, pond and creek. I am the mountains, the valleys, the desert and the trees. I am Earth ... DUTCH: ... Ich bin der Dreck unter deinen Walzen, Ich bin dein geheimer Schmutz Und verlorenes Metallgeld, Ich bin deine Ritze, Ich bin ... BARBARA: God, I feel like I’m drinking water ... RITA: Air I am. Fire I am. Water, earth and Spirit I am. Breeze I am. Sun I am. Brook, Mountain and Goddess ... CHORUS OF AUTOMOBILES: Honk! Honk! HONK! BARBARA: I’m wearing: Hot Pink & Black Zebra Striped Skirt, Black Lace Trimmed Shirt. Soon I will have vegetarian un-chicken nuggets with everything that lives in water. Until then, I’m gnawing on water -- LEONARD [Forcefully, into intercom mic]: You are my licorice. I am your dandelion; you are my first wish. I am your water wings; you are my deep. I am your open arms; you are my running leap. BARBARA and DUTCH: I am the house that protects you I am the car that takes you places I am the water that you drink I am the food that you eat I am the pencil that you write -- RITA [Speaker noise]: My name is Orianna. I am a rainbow goddess. I am water, gas and sunshine. I live in the clouds. I make rainbows. I feel happy because I’m making other kids … oh, wait, no [Sudden shame.] … pride … ohhh … pride … my … scalp … begins to tighten. Have mercy! Lord, I am afraid! Water, I thirst, I thirst! LEONARD [Shouting into intercom mic]: I am like water, whose surface you have disturbed! You see your reflection in me - distorted! RITA [Sudden strength]: I AM THE THUNDERBOLT AMONG WEAPONS, AND I AM THE WATER GOD AND THE NAMES. I AM THE CONTROLLER OF DEATH. Curtain. Act III A mountain overpass. LEONARD: So he was arabic looking and my mother said something like “Oh my god. Look out he is arabic.” and I almost jumped out of the car. DUTCH [Shivers]: Things scare me. BARBARA: OH MY GOD! LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU! Haha. Made you look. Oh. You didn’t look? LEONARD: I can’t! My bangs are choking me!! DUTCH: Oh my God, look out! There’s a lizard or something in the middle of the street! LEONARD [Flips on the radio in his panic]: I can’t see!!! RADIO: OH MY GOD!! LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU!!!!! Curtain. Act IV Night. They huddle in the car parked on the side of the road. BARBARA: Crickets and grasshoppers ... DUTCH: ... the sounds of crickets courting ... a rice weevil larva eating inside a wheat kernel ... LEONARD: Birds, amphibians, reptiles, and mammals ... DUTCH: ... waves at the beach, with katydids and crickets chirping, waterfalls, fountains, waves, crickets, and katydids ... BARBARA: Shhhh ... birds, mammals, frogs ... oh! Big cat growl! DUTCH: Birds ... chicken? Crickets, crow, cow-moo ... LEONARD: Ah! Ah! Listen! Tinkling ground crickets prefer oak-leaf litter for their sweet, ringing sounds ... BARBARA: Crickets, crickets: “Cript closed crowd at hockey” -- DUTCH [Yawns]: Creaks and groans -- ghostly sounds ... LEONARD: The shrill call of a big, green cicada ... BARBARA: Ghost crabs, scale worms, what sounds like large springs boinging ... DUTCH: Big black furry space ... LEONARD [Drifting off]: Killer wasps vacating their purchase as bigfoot approaches ... DUTCH: Sounds like a completely ghost-inhabited castle ... LEONARD: Steady beat of some grease ants ... the antennae of white-winged ghost moths receiving sound ... BARBARA [Curled up, sighs]: ... husk of a cicada’s chirp stone silent seed pods split a crackle of ... moonrise sounds ... I hear a dark river fill a curved path ... LEONARD [Nearly asleep]: Shhh, listen: Bird nests, cicada shells, honey combs, pine cones ... DUTCH: Little scissors? LEONARD [Yawns]: Bug legs. Berry peckers ... like, “dug-g-dug-g” ... BARBARA [Drifting off]: A transparent sound, ghost-like, hanging in the air ... between oaks and willows ... Curtain. Act V Morning. On the road again. DUTCH: Ahhhhh, the smell of sun-drenched morning coffee! BARBARA: But with this diuretic, you feel it: The price. LEONARD: Fluid coffee causes much excitement in the brain ... like a shot of the RISING SUN. Sayyyy, anyone care to infuse a little sexuality into the -- STATE TROOPER: Beee-ooop! [They pull over.] LEONARD: Boy -- well, color me happy, Officer -- am I glad to see you! Listen: I need your stories and input. All cops have stories. I’m looking for stories about your first pursuit. [Rummages around.] Complimentary morning coffee? Newspaper? STATE TROOPER: Bah! I’m sick of people who “do the police” in different voices. [Slaps LEONARD.] Here’s what I want you to do. Just get on up and dance. Wave your hands from side to side. Just get on up out your seat and move ... BARBARA: Wow! What’s your phone number? STATE TROOPER [Pulls LEONARD from the car.] Now I feel lots better! IT’S FRIIIDAAAAY!! Aww yeah, baby! Life is good: people are crazy! [Repeatedly slaps LEONARD.] LEONARD: Ow! Ow! Imagining what is suppose to be a really cool place ... “generous bedrooms, deep tubs with separate shower cubicles ...” BARBARA [Getting out of car to flirt]: BTW, my actual name is: “wouldn’t U like 2 know” ... *wink wink* LEONARD: ... Bed, Bath & Beyond ... Sam’s Club ... STATE TROOPER: What are you going to do about it! I’m peein’ on ya and you’re just sitting there and takin’ it! You wanna know why? Because I -- LEONARD: Jumpin’ Bean ... Bazaar del Mundo ... Bird N’ Berry Creations ... Boutiqueri ... DUTCH [Suddenly aware of the commotion]: O clement, o loving, o sweet Virgin Mary, pray for us, O holy Mother of God! BARBARA [Disturbed now]: Brrrr. I want to go. The light is bright, yellow and round. The highway is filling up. Is this is my final destination? I thought it was Newark. DUTCH [Weeping]: I just want to find the right therapist. STATE TROOPER [Turns to DUTCH and BARBARA]: BY THE WAY, I’VE BEEN ON TESTOSTERONE FOR THREE YEARS, LIVING MY LIFE LEGALLY, THANK YOU. Before that I was at the nadir, I was like the railway passed through a crumbling archway here, and filling the valley ahead, my final destination. LEONARD: ... Barnes & Noble ... Burger King ... Borders ... Big Boy ... STATE TROOPER: DON’T BLAME ME. DUTCH: But, no, uh [coughs] ... BARBARA: ... beyond blame. DUTCH: Blame it on Nader. BARBARA: I blame Internet chat rooms. LEONARD: ... obnoxious music in the background … BARBARA: Blame Clinton. DUTCH: Blame Bush. BARBARA: Romeo and Juliet -- who was to blame? LEONARD: ... Bally Gaming ... STATE TROOPER: Blame history DUTCH: Belly-dancing BARBARA: Israel apportions blame Palestinian demonstrators in the thick of battle LEONARD: ... Banana Republic ... DUTCH: Whoa-oah Black Betty, blam-a-lam LEONARD: ... Blockbuster ... B. Dalton ... STATE TROOPER: Blame bohemianism LEONARD ... Baskin Robbins ... BARBARA: Das Ballycotton Ballyhoo Ballyhoo Ballyhoo Bask Bask bassART Bates ... DUTCH: Bomb Circle Bomb Circle Bond, Tony feat ... Sabine Brüder, Die Bug Burger LEONARD: Bombo ... Burger Chase, Burger Time Burger ... BARBARA: ... Balloon Raid, bamboo, bananas ... bogart ... bomb threat STATE TROOPER: Bomb Squad, the Ballistix Balloon Raid Ballyhoo Ballz Banana Drama Bandana DUTCH: Balls of Steel. Bureaucracy Time ... LEONARD: Bolt, bomb, bonk, boot, bop, bounce, bout, box BARBARA: Brew, broil, bug, burn, bust, butt STATE TROOPER: Bad, bah, bam, bang, bash, blah DUTCH: BAD MOON RISING BAD SEED BADESALZ BAEZ ... BANG BANG MACHINE BANG BANG MACHINE BANKS, BE BOP DELUXE, BURN BURN BURN LEONARD: Bad old days; Bad to me; Badge; Bahama; Blue jean bop; Blue magic; Blue Boom bang a bang; Boom boom; Boom ... BARBARA: BOOTYLICIOUS! STATE TROOPER: Be-Bop-a-Lu-La! DUTCH: Bang-a Boomerang bang-a boomerang! LEONARD: B-b-bu biddle baddle ... BARBARA: blllhhhuhhh ... bllllhuuhhhh ... DUTCH: Buh ... uhhhhh ... buh. LEONARD: Buh! STATE TROOPER: Buh. DUTCH and BARBARA: Buh! STATE TROOPER, BARBARA and LEONARD: Buh! DUTCH: Buh! LEONARD: Buh! BARBARA and LEONARD: Buh! ALL: Buh! DUTCH: Buh! ALL: Buh! Buh! Curtain. Fin.