Larfing It Up

a Beatles^TM

Scene 1: Liverpool. JOHN [pulling on his leather pants]: Look, lads: I’m ’avin a larf! PAUL: Cheeky leg-pulling ... mad looning ... GEORGE [strumming listlessly]: Where’s my goddamn offering?  Where’s my foocking gift?  I’m not foocking selfless!  You people make me sick.  Where’s my foocking loot? RINGO: That’s a strange little ditty, innit? JOHN: Who are you--daft Bobby Dylan zoomin it over heads an inta faces while everyone else breaks oop? GEORGE: I’m now banging my fist against my chest ... hardcore, baby!  I'm in Princess Mononoke Mode! PAUL [tinkling the ivories]: This is the greatest foocking movie ever ... GEORGE [trashing the hotel room]: HIGH ROAD?!? ... comes over and FOOCKING tells me that they’ve been over FOOCKING charging my dental plan for the past 3 FOOCKING years, and now they FOOCKING owe me FOOCKING money! RINGO [another bong-hit]: ... on the floor in a puddle of my own urine ... [BRIAN EPSTEIN enters.] BRIAN EPSTEIN: “MBE” stands for “Mister Brian Epstein.”  WARNING: This sound clip includes crude language! JOHN: Hahaha!  We turned up in those head scarves and we’re having a larf ... PAUL [in “full song” mode]: “Larf it up, ye sarcastic wenches, Larf it up, ye sarcastic wenches, SOME STUFF THAT WILL NEVER EVEREVEREVEREVEREVEREVEREVER HAPPEN ON SORCERER HUNTERS” RINGO [meditating]: Yer gotta larf if a Beatle does household chores for $200 a week, that’s domestic ... short pants it is four dollars ... JOHN: ... dancin ... avin a larf ... my main interest tho is being “totally foocked up for it” GEORGE: Where’s my Goddamn wife? BRIAN EPSTEIN: She’s avin a larf with Alice Cooper ... GEORGE: I’m gonna shoot this place full of fucking God damn ... ARgghhhhh!!!!! Where’s my foocking dinner, bitch? ... Where’s my HEAD?! BRIAN EPSTEIN [directly into camera]: HI THERE ... Time for pop culture that really is about ... pop!  Quote Brian Epstein was a comely man who grew up in Liverpool, England unquote.  Quote Brian Epstein began to work in the family furniture store in 1950 at the age of 16 unquote.  Quote While the Beatles were in India on a meditation tour with the Maharishi, Brian Epstein was found dead in his home unquote. PAUL: The Brian Epstein Story certainly isn’t chock-full of details. GEORGE: Well, somebody is giving me my foocking money back ... you get me?!  Time is foocking money!  And where’s my foocking coffee!?? JOHN [winking at camera]: You gotta larf, aintcha ... [End of Scene One.] Scene 2.  The Ed Sullivan Show. ED SULLIVAN: It’s when you’re really hung up on someone, whether it’s the boy next door, your “mates on the bog,” this next song’ll soon bring him “down to earth” JOHN: ... and give you a larf, too! [Laughter from the audience.] PAUL: It doesn’t sound so funny on the e-mail but at the time it made us larf and larf! [More laughter.] GEORGE: GET OFF THE DOPE YOU WHITE TRASH PIECE OF SHIT!  My sex life’s rockin ... I reel! RINGO: I also remember us getting raided by 219 entry and us having a larf, getting up to all sorts on a ... “little adventure” [Laughter.] ED SULLIVAN [confused]: Is this the “Whiskey Puppet” you were ... JOHN: Luvvy darling.  Hahaha!  Yazoo, Keb’ Mo!  Larf & sing! [The BEATLES break into song.] THE BEATLES [singing]: The hugging, the rubbing, the sucking, and the fucking ... The hugging, the rubbing, the sucking, and the fucking ... GEORGE [solo LP]: Where’s my fucking pie? ... Screw you you fucking faggot ... THE BEATLES: The hugging, the rubbing, the sucking, and the fucking ... The hugging, the rubbing, the sucking, and the fucking ... GEORGE [solo LP]: Foock this, I want to make money! ... where’s the foocking beach? [End of Scene Two.] Scene Three.  Recording the White Album. YOKO [screaming into the microphone]: 7 YEAR BITCH WHOOPIE CAT 7 YEAR BITCH REST MY HEAD 16 HORSEPOWER BLACK BUSH CLARA NUNES PEIXE COM COCO I’M YOKO ONO AND I’MA TALKING TO THE UNIVERSE! JOHN [nodding out]: ... awesome ... incrediboole ... stoonning ... you’ve changed my life ... *larf* ... RINGO [sotto voce, to the others]: Love an’ Yoko are the same person ... PAUL: ’Ow dare you compare Courtney to that glory grabbing bitch! GEORGE: I wish I had my foocking pistol ... YOKO [singing softly now]: Ono ... Yoko Ono ... Ono ... Yoko Ono ... JOHN [drug addled]: ...an doon’t foorgit th’ one with Mount Splashmore ... an the Leftorium ... an Timmy O’Toole in the well ... that review made me larf and larf and larf ... [nods off] PAUL [irony]: You’re avin a larf arn’t you? [LINDA enters.] Who wants more Chunky Vegetable Pie? [End of Scene Three.] Scene Four.  Screen split into fourths.  Others fidget while the one monologs. JOHN: Oo is willin to call a spade a spade and use it to dig a garden bed peace?  I am not inta religion but I hope karma comes around and kicks ’em in the ass.  For man cannot climb trees, dig in the ground without his woman (further advancement).  Mellowship slinky in B minor? PAUL: Nothing spells “convenience” like a microwave dinner made by a dead person. While much of her fame came from being married to me, Linda made quite a name for herself promoting vegetarianism and these meatless frozen entrees (which are quite the hit in England).  Unfortunately, Linda’s meals may have more trouble in the USA, because her Vegetable Burrito with Spanish Rice is a full two ounces lighter than other brands--not good news for big fat pigs.  Another downside!  A peek at the box reveals this dish contains 50% of your RDA for saturated fat and (ka-BOING!!) 51% of the RDA for salt!  Jesus Foockin Christ!  What’s she trying to do?  Kill us, too? GEORGE: Before I die I’m gonna foock me a fish! RINGO: I would be forever on a par with Les Dennis, considered less influential than Jimmy Tarbuck’s warm-up man, and the shit beneath ... when I went on tour as a DJ. jesus what a larf.  I hooked the coffee grinder up to a microphone and turned it up bangin loud. THE BEATLES [singing, with the nostalgia]: Did’n us avus a royt larf in our life? They gray clowds upped ’n vaperated clean away as on we larfed clowds billowed high abun an finished up crumpled an tousled roon our necks We were avin a larf, mate ... in luverly jubberly! ’Eading up Norf To make ’em larf Mocked to wake up to the sounds of a walivatin’ soof Piddle lig, piddle lig, ket me lum in! Through all the chrimble here and thought you might like a bit of a larf See 8 ’0 cocks are crowing a merry midd-larf A wat the wilde foule boded day The salms of Heaven will be sung And ere now I be misst away ... THE END

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