The Education of Yuri Hospodar

1st Grade I was trapped in a beehive and could not escape. But I learned diligence and patience from the Queen. 2nd Grade Over summer, as all the bees left the hive in a surprise of discovery at a particularly large supply of scrumptious pollen, I had escaped and managed to find my way to a delightful gingerbread house. Or so it seemed, at first. I did not enjoy second grade. 3rd Grade The Giant Moths of Wahoo-Waheyy spirited me away in the night, just before I was to be baked, and taught me the secret ways of moths. Having no wings, I found applying the lessons of 3rd grade difficult. 4th Grade Mrs. Froop. She brought in cookies the day before Thanksgiving. 5th Grade Assigned to Mr. Grapplenozonovich’s class, the Tertiary War of the MetalFace Galaxy and the Three And Almost-One-Half Nebulae broke out, and after he disappeared in a transporter beam of a most startling violet, we barricaded the doors and didn’t come out for the remainder of the school year, no, not even for recess, even if I was forced to sit next to Valerie Hossfritterharf (very mean) due to seating in strict alphabetical order. 6th Grade After some complex contract negotiations with the school board, Ben Franklin came back from the dead just for me and brought the University of Pennsylvania swim team over to initiate me into the ways of manhood. Some might say quite a bit early, but I enjoyed it, and Ben was so pithy in court that charges were not pressed against anyone.